According to attachment theory, which is a cornerstone of psychology, our early experiences with caregivers shape our attachment style, or the way we form and maintain relationships throughout our lives. People who have a “anxious” attachment style tend to crave closeness and intimacy, while those with an “avoidant” attachment style may struggle with emotional intimacy and prefer to keep their distance.
In the context of romantic relationships, an anxious partner may feel constantly worried about their partner’s commitment or affection, while an avoidant partner may feel suffocated or overwhelmed by too much closeness.
This dynamic can create a push-pull effect, where the anxious partner pursues the avoidant partner, who in turn distances themselves further.Research suggests that this pattern of pursuing and distancing can be highly distressing and can contribute to relationship dissatisfaction and conflict (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2016).
Additionally, individuals who engage in this pattern may be more likely to experience anxiety, depression, and other mental health issues (Leary, 2016).So why do we fall into this dynamic? There are many possible reasons, including our attachment history, our past relationship experiences, and even our own beliefs and expectations about love and intimacy.
However, recognizing this pattern and understanding its origins can be the first step in breaking the cycle and building healthier, more fulfilling relationships.
If you find yourself in a pursuer-distancer dynamic, consider seeking support from a therapist or counselor who can help you explore your attachment style and work through any underlying issues.
By doing so, you can learn to create more balanced, satisfying relationships and cultivate greater emotional well-being.
References:
Leary, M. R. (2016). Why we fall in love with people who are wrong for us.
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